11 Lessons of 2018: A Year of Healing and Growth

One of the few books I had the pleasure reading this year called The Measure of My Powers by Jackie Kai Ellis, inspired me to write this piece. Ellis wrote a heart-wrenching memoir about her experiences involving mental illness, divorce, travel, discovering her love for food which led her to open a bakery and last but not least, her obsession of crafting the perfect croissant. Every chapter included a recipe and a multitude of trial and error experiences. Her writing had an honest vulnerability and her knowledge soaked into my skin. The most powerful line in her book transpired through her rough translation of the French word ‘apte’: “one can have knowledge and one can have skill, but to be truly capable of living it, the understanding of it must reside in one’s body” (Ellis). Furthermore, she explained that, “sometimes it is not up to us when we finally live the lessons we know in our minds; it must reach our heart” (Ellis). It’s quite ironic thinking about this phrase once more as I write this reflection piece. I spent weeks thinking about whether or not I could summarize 2018 into one word and oh, what a word it would be! I pondered between the words love, connection and gratitude which were equally entwined throughout my year, yet my heart kept coming back to the word apte. Through the happiness and pain between every moment of 2018, there was strength and the great desire to learn. Every step backward seemed to launch me into a new direction and the lessons below are proof that time, patience and healing are a wonderful trio.

Write for you:

I heard this valuable piece of advice from a friend who seemingly says all the right things at the right time: “write for you”. At the beginning of the year, I was writing and interviewing people about love in hopes of spreading kindness, gratitude and building a sense of community. There was an emptiness to my words because I hadn’t established that place of simply writing for me and allowing others to connect with my story. Writing has always been a safe way to express how I feel, but that changed when I started to feel sensitive to whether people liked my work or not. As my confidence grew, I began developing a voice in my writing which allowed for an intimate connection between my audience and I to be constructed. I learned that people will always be quick to judge every inch of who you are and even though it’s easy to fall prey in picking apart every reason why – don’t. Learn to focus on what gives you life and less on what others have to say about it. We can’t control how others show up for us, but regardless of audience, we need to love what we do and have that sense of appreciation for ourselves. There is always a reason behind everything that brings unease or pain. By investigating the need to feel validated from others about my writing, I uncovered a deeper issue: I needed to find my voice and validate myself.

You cannot expect things to be different when the outcome has always been the same:

Throughout the year, I found myself falling in and out of an emotionally abusive situation with someone I deeply cared about. I loved him very much, but our memories together are tainted with ‘sweet nothings’: the twisted art of making someone feel less than human whilst pulling their heartstrings and tying beautiful bows to every end. Because my head and heart were far from alignment, it took a very long time to grip the fact that every rainbow and butterfly was an illusion. I idealized him from the start which ultimately set myself up to dismiss his emotionally abusive behaviour as a truth. After every ‘second’ chance, I questioned why the same issues kept reoccurring, but I would end up making an excuse and forgiving him anyway. I never realized how much power I was giving him until the song Get Free by Lana Del Rey became a staple for freeing myself and rediscovering my self-worth, independence and control. The fantasy that someday things would be healthy and stable exploded; I knew I deserved more and that he was never going to change. I had to learn the hardest way that he will always have a place in my heart, but not in my life.

Healing is a process:

For the longest time, I felt really guilty sacrificing valuable energy thinking about the emotional abuse. Many of my friends and family knew he wasn’t a good influence from the start, but that concept was still fresh to me. I felt like everyone was constantly reminding me of the ‘I told you so’ phenomenon which made me feel a tremendous amount of shame and stupidity. I didn’t want that experience to define my life which led me to rush the process of closing that chapter. I was mistaken for not allowing myself enough time to heal when shortly, the stitches of that wound ripped and resurfaced in just about every aspect of my life. I learned that it’s vital to allocate time to reflect and learn how to accept love again. Most importantly, life is a journey and healing is a process that cannot be forced; never trade short-term suffering for the expense of finding long-term peace.

A day smiling is never a day wasted:

Never underestimate the power of dancing in your kitchen, wearing the colour yellow, breathing the fresh air in the mountains, your favourite memes, or anything else that brings joy. Between choosing happiness and incorporating what makes me happy into my daily routine, I reckon that any day smiling and laughing is priceless.

Feel your feelings:

When triggering situations arise, I have a tendency to relapse into toxic coping mechanisms. I remember a specific moment in October when every distraction I’d been leaning on for ages no longer felt healthy. I was heartbroken laying on the floor in my bathroom with tears streaming down my face, but I decided to lace up my sneakers and run until my legs ached. I came home nearly two hours later feeling refreshed and in need of direction. I let that be the defining moment to seek help, unlearn old tendencies, relearn how to be kind to myself and finally face every mess I’d been hiding from.

As I’ve worked hard to improve my mental state, I’ve learned that loving yourself is an endless project. It’s OK not to be OK and it’s OK to talk about that. There is absolutely zero shame for seeking help in order to strengthen your mental and physical health, especially if you are fortunate to have access to medical resources. There are many exercises that can help relieve anxiety, especially in a moment of severe panic. However, the most effective advice given to me is to practice self-care regularly. The point is to establish a daily routine incorporating wellness activities. That way if an anxiety attack arises, you will have already built a healthy set of coping mechanisms. It is also very important to watch your inner dialogue because the thoughts you nurture are what you become.

** Here is a list of my current go-to ways to release built-up emotions:

• create a safe space
• wrap up in a blanket
• wear comfortable clothing
• light candles
• bawl your eyes out
• press a hot wash cloth to your cheeks for a minute
• shower
• drink some water or tea
• write your thoughts in a journal
• make a gratitude list
• partake in moderate to vigorous exercise or something as gentle as yoga/ stretching
• place one hand on your chest to focus on your heartbeat and place your other hand on your abdomen to focus on your breathing. This is a wonderful technique that is both calming and effective for valuing your presence.

What you give is what you receive:

Another valuable lesson this year: acts of kindness shouldn’t be seen as ‘random’ at all; choosing to spread love should be consistent because that’s what makes a difference in the world. Being kind and empathetic is your decision and whether people reflect that energy back to you is their decision. That being said, it’s important to ask yourself how YOU want to show up in the world each day. If you feel underappreciated or that your acts of kindness are often unnoticed, ask: is it better to spread an abundance of love without expecting anything in return or choose to withhold it because nobody seems to be appreciative? Even though it is disheartening when people do not have a sense of gratitude, you must remember that loving actions impact many people and that has a domino effect in the world. By being kind and empathetic, I’ve noticed that people are more often kind in return and tend to forward that good energy to others. Without any expectations, positivity always finds its way back to me (from the tiniest moments to life-changing events) making the cycle continuous.

People come and go, be wise and invest in yourself:

I lost loved ones and many friends this year, but my outlook towards loss made all the difference. Plenty of times I would feel angry towards the world believing that because I’d ‘suffered’ already, I didn’t deserve to feel more pain. Although nobody deserves to suffer, life doesn’t choose the amount of loss each person is handed. The reality is that people come and go and the faster each of us learns to accept that, the more we value the role we play in each other’s journey. One of my favourite lines from the movie Eat, Pray, Love is: “if you miss him, send him love and light and then let go”. Every time I begin to dwell on the ‘what was’ with friendships that grew distant, I reflect back on this line, send them love and focus on ‘what is’. Although it’s important to be mindful and care for others, you must invest that same loving energy into yourself. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter who’s still standing in your corner because the very person who is, is you!

Productivity is not equal to self-worth:

It’s easy to form mental contracts with yourself aiming to achieve the highest standards day in and day out, but life happens and things don’t always go as planned. Naturally, I’ve always given everything my best shot; being a hard-worker runs through my veins and it’s how I was raised to be. I envied those who had a million different things going for them and I judged those who didn’t. Needless to say I was overwhelmed when my creativity, imagination and love for planning mixed with a lack of flexibility. I had to really buckle down and unlearn punishing myself if tasks on my to-do list were incomplete. Overall, I learned one is not defined by their level of productivity, especially when the most beautiful moments this year weren’t planned at all.

You learn by doing:

I was reminded of the lesson, “you learn by doing” when I was working at a pool in the summer. This little girl asked me to paint a dragon on her face and without ever trying it before, I told her it would be too difficult. To my surprise, the little girl put her hands on her hips and explained that we learn by doing. I couldn’t argue with that, so I painted the best-first dragon I could and it looked pretty decent. Most importantly, she was extremely happy and so was I.

I learned that life is beautiful when we can break free of the fears that limit us because we allow ourselves to take a step into the unknown. For this reason, I made it a goal to say yes to new experiences that originally made me afraid. I tried skiing for the first time and realized I hate it, but it’s great because I never would have known that if I didn’t try! I’ve always been scared of flying, but when I travelled alone this year I discovered it isn’t that bad once you get past the plane ascending and descending… I even cut my own hair this year (I don’t recommend this), but I still had a lot of fun trying it. The point is, it’s OK to be afraid; everyone is a beginner when they try something new. Funny enough, many opportunities appeared once I understood that it is not the ‘thing’ that is scary, it is my perception of the thing that makes me believe it is scary.

Embrace the present moment rather than worrying about yesterday and tomorrow:

By spending the majority of my time thinking about tomorrow, I sacrificed the beauty of the present moment… and I did this repeatedly until I visited Lake Louise in June. My trip to western Canada is easily the most memorable part of 2018 because it made me pause and appreciate the beauty in the world. I recall experiencing this emotional moment walking along the path that encompasses the lake: I started tearing up while gazing at the mountains, the mesmerizing water, every person who said hello and the freshness of the air. Everything felt different than what I was used to and it awoke the part of me that forgot how to explore and live spontaneously.

Growth is uncomfortable:

Growth is a never-ending ladder and the challenge of climbing it necessitates endurance, strength, willpower and resilience. Taking the road less travelled is just as exhilarating as it is frightening and uncomfortable; every experience allows you to redefine what it means to be you. I feel a mixture of comfort and unease when I compare the woman I was in January 2018 to the woman I am now. There have been numerous jumps backward met with unexpected leaps of faith forward and none of it was easy. Some people made it very clear they didn’t understand or like my choices and it took an abundance of courage to push their opinions aside and stay true to my authentic self. However, this ties back to the idea of evolving and self-love: as long as you like who you’re becoming and the places you’re going, roll up your sleeves and climb.

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Works Cited
Ellis, Jackie Kai. The Measures of My Powers: A Memoir of Food, Misery, and Paris. Appetite by Random House, 2018.