The Torn Petals of a Flower – The Love Project

The feeling of heartbreak can come to us through a variety of different scenarios. It is an inevitable feeling and is best described from personal experience. It’s an unwanted, elasticized tightness that seems to haunt our minds and cage our hearts into a cold state of isolation. And it’s more than being stripped of hopefulness and happiness. It’s planting our delicate human heart and soul in the gentle earth laid before another trustworthy flower and then being slowly plucked of every petal that makes you, you. Except the flower we have manifested is not merely a game of pulling petals saying, “loves me or loves me not?” The flower that defines us is a masterpiece that shall be showered with water and sunlight as it needs that same energy to shower others. All in all, do not allow heartbreak to make you feel bitter towards the rawness of love itself.

“Heartbreak is important to love. It brings ugliness to a thing society plants as perfect. Until you have your heartbroken you don’t know what love is. Love helps us look at what we adore and what we look for in qualities. It teaches us to try again and accept love.” – Rachel Corrigan

One of the biggest lessons I have encountered from the fallout with my first love is the importance of separating the emotions of heartbreak and love. To me, heartbreak is the outcome of a far-removed, almost non-existent romance that carves a dark, hollow niche in one’s heart. Whereas, love itself adds colour to life through the bountiful fluttering butterflies that seem to spring about when our deep emotions can intertwine with another being. Therefore, heartbreak surfaces when the love isn’t present anymore and it is important to separate these concepts in order to focus on resiliency rather than resentment. Being heartbroken can spiral people into carrying their toxic, preconceived notions from past experiences to dictate their new relationships. Consequently, people become more cautious and disheartened when falling in love which often sets a false conclusion that love is ‘bad’. On that note, I don’t agree with the idea that until people have been heartbroken, they fail to realize the extremities of love within their relationship. People can be infatuated with their lover and they can also feel the aftermath of a love that is no longer visible: heartbreak. By separating these two words, I know what love is and I know what love is not.

I also believe in ‘signs’ given by the universe that relate to the bitter-sweet phrase, “if it’s meant to be it’ll be”. This created a fantasy reel in my mind that gave an exaggerated praise to every text or moment shared together, random thoughts, reminders and the coincidental run-ins. And because of these small signs, I held on to the belief that there was hope for the relationship to work out. I chose to ignore every red flashing light by replacing it with a green ‘welcome home’ sign. Eventually the single, fluttering butterflies providing this hopefulness slowly disappeared which made it excruciatingly harder for me to let go of the past because I didn’t want to accept the truth. I had trouble separating what was from what is which extended the heartbreak I was feeling. I learned that what is often meant to be will serve us at its rightful time and that it makes no sense to constantly put your wellness up for debate when the other is not deserving of your affection. I’ve since made a note of checking in with my core beliefs and to remember that if they wanted me to be in their life, I’d be there. I was able to find closure knowing that I did everything I could and that even with our emotions stronger than ever, it still wasn’t enough to bring us together.

Many of my friends and family have also experienced heartbreak and shared that the fear of suffering is worse than heartbreak itself. This is partly why people tend to give too many chances in a relationship before ending it because they are too scared to be alone. However, it is mighty important to respect yourself in a way that you understand when your time and energy is no longer valued by the other. We all deserve a chance at happiness, but when that opportunity is taken advantage of it’s time to let go. Consequently, I learned my lesson when a guy told me I would never fit his standards and instead of planting my roots elsewhere, I tried to form into the flower he wanted. My petals were ruined and it took a long time to repair the damage he caused. This is why I developed the idea to become my own flower and know that whoever plants their roots next to mine will simply add to my life, not complete it.

It is also important to note that there are different stages to heartbreak and that people can cope with the ache in a way that suits their personal needs. Some people may find solace watching movies, eating comfort foods and crying while others might want to party, immerse themselves into their work or find a new hobby. Overall, there is no definite right or wrong way to heal following a breakup and people should feel free to find a process that caters to their emotional well-being.

“It can be a period of sadness or it can be a period of freedom. You’re finally free to do whatever you want. You can sleep with other people if you want, you can travel, you can do whatever you didn’t do before. Another thing, when you break up with someone you always want to make a dramatic change. One time I broke up with someone and I cut off all my hair and I only cut my hair off because he told me he didn’t like it short. So it’s like you’re rebelling because before you were fitting into what they wanted you to be, but now you don’t have to so you can be whoever you want to be.” – Micaela Adamski

I suspect that many people similarly learn from their experiences with heartbreak and it’s upsetting to think that we grasp this concept when the love is no longer present. However, one must have a strong sense of perspicacity when handling a romantic dispute because an inner trustworthiness must be established in order to wholly commit to a decision. I learned that sometimes what we perceive to be ‘best’ is not always right. It is vital to think about your needs, but you also have to do the right thing. Even if it is difficult and could potentially create more work for each of you, the right thing will help you heal more thoroughly in the long run as opposed to a messy quick stitch. In addition, there may be times of loneliness when you can reflect on the moments shared together, but this does not propose an invite to reconnect. One should respect the other’s reasons of departure and move forward in order to heal.

Personally, I have struggled with this advisement and I had to learn this lesson in a painful way. The healing process was extended because I kept allowing the man I had feelings for continue to re-enter my life. And because this was deemed OK, we both continued to pop into each other’s lives which made it difficult to fully cut ties with the relationship. A huge reason for this was looped to the truth that I didn’t want things between us to be over and either did he. Because of this, I kept allowing him to have control over my life and I began to normalize unhealthy pains as how love is supposed to be. I started believing that love and kindness are a gift instead of how it should be: the joy of Christmas morning repeated day in and day out. I also continued to believe that every time we would reconnect it would be different. However, one cannot expect things to be different when the previous outcomes have always been the same.

For the longest time I punished myself for overlooking the red flags and subconsciously holding onto hope. I kept wondering how typically we learn from our mistakes, but if we keep repeating them, are they a mistake? I gained a peace of mind recently when I read a book titled, The Measure of my Powers by Jackie Kai Ellis. Written in her memoir, she spoke of a rough translation of the French word “apte”. She learned, “One can have knowledge and one can have skill, but to be truly capable of living it, the understanding must reside in one’s body. Sometimes it is not up to us when we can finally live the lessons we know in our minds; it must reach our heart.” And suddenly I was delivered the biggest truth: I wasn’t ready to give myself the freedom that I deserved all along. Time plays a large role in releasing the lessons to the center of our heart so the truth can be pumped to every particle in the body.

Overall, the reality of heartbreak brings a wave of emotions that teach us about love whether we receive it or not. It can be difficult when we plant our hearts in the soil rooted next to another because we do not know if they are going to unconditionally love us. But there is a vulnerability in loving someone else and as long as you can trust your intuition, you grow an unbreakable bond of strength within yourself. You are a masterpiece and you can use this strength to shower yourself and others with sunlight and water to last a lifetime.

Written by Tessa R. Adamski